Frustrations of a Gay Virgin

Followers sounds like such a demeaning name…

tumblr friends sounds more appropriate. I love my tumblr friends. I LOVE YOU GUYS. I had so many helpful, positive, it-gets-better, messages that really just made me smile inside and outside ;). I had some great conversations, some awesome advice, and some uplifting words of wisdom said to me during these past few days after my “afraid to be gay” post. 

I have already thanked you so much, but collectively I want to thank my followers tumblr friends for being so supportive! I guess gay guys aren’t all sex crazed beasts who bang every bubble butt in sight. 

We are a very very VERY diverse community ranging from the sex-crazed individuals to monogamous believers. It’s amazing how diverse the gay spectrum is. Hopefully, I can find someone who will accept me as I am somewhere in that spectrum. 

;)

I think in so many ways I’m the weirdest gay in the world…

I don’t like Taylor Lautner, I don’t like Lady Gaga, I don’t like Madonna, I don’t like Glee (anymore), I don’t like High School Musical (ughh), I don’t like Zac Efron. 

I do like 1D and many other boybands (not the Jonas brothers…-__-), and Musicals (which many gays are starting to dislike); I do like Football, I do like baseball, I do like UFC, I do like boxing. OOH and SNOW SPORTS YES. LMAO (late edit)

Whatever. Crucify me. 

“I want guy I can watch a movie with, mute it, and make our own dialogue.”

Playful relationships are the best. Relationships built on friendship and humor. Relationships that will allow us to sing uncontrollably out of tune in the middle of a crowded supermarket, and not care who the hell is around us. Relationships void of any kind of dullness, even in the most quietest moments. Where can I get me one of these guys?! 

Nowhere. 

I applied to the nursing program at my school because of a boy…

in a sense. I was going into my second quarter of my freshmen year when I met this guy, Ian. We both started our nursing pre-reqs kind of late. I can’t remember his last name. Hahaha. He was hot. He worked out, he commuted, he was white, his eyes were bluish-green, and his muscles always seemed to be exposed. He was my hot anatomy lab partner. He was slow though, I always seemed to be helping him finish his lab paperwork by the end of lab. But he was so nice, he laughed at all my jokes, had a surfer-esque kind of tone to his voice. I got to know him, that he was a lifeguard LIKE ME, he was in boy scouts LIKE ME, and went to public school LIKE ME (not many public school kids at my small college). But he was such a avid follower of Jesus Christ that it was kind of impossible see that he was gay. Otherwise specified, he wasn’t gay. I’m pretty sure he has a girlfriend now. 

We had the same plan, the same amount of pre-reqs to finish, and were planning to apply to the nursing program at the same time. I would have applied to the fall program starting in September if I hadn’t met him, but since I didn’t know anyone else going into the program I thought that having a buddy—a very very hot body buddy—to start nursing with, that it would be awesome. 

But our friendship quickly fell apart for some reason. Just a regular old acquaintance rather than friend. But it’s cool. He de-friended me on facebook for some reason though. That made me sad. LOL. Oh well.

i am attracted to nerds/geeks.

bahahaha… but no lie. if you have good grades, gay, and have a good personality… i will fall in love with you. Use big words with me. LOLOL.

Being a gay christian…

is paradoxical in a sense and kind of an oxymoron. But those mindsets are seen in people who creates boundaries in what religion is.

I don’t want to get too deep into this subject because can get long and long, but I was just perusing my dashboard and saw a personal post that got me kind of empathetic. I told him that I would be sending him prayers his way, and I am. Positive thoughts if you will. And then realized right when I hit submit, that many gays out there are disbleivers in the Christian faith because all of it’s contradictions. 

At school I always have these conversations with my friends that know I’m gay and even my friends back home. It get’s us to think why we believe in a god, what’s the importance, and how important religion and spirituality really is. It’s a big mess. But then again, religion is a belief system. It’s based on faith. Faith is all that’s needed in a sense. That’s my mantra. 

But anyways. That was a rant that got no where! It was just in my mind. LOL. fail. gnight!

the truth about asks and messages.

I don’t even have the balls to put a message/question in someone’s ask box. LOL. I do that whole “write out a message, look at it, read it over, and then deleting everything I was going to say and not put anything”… hahaha I live a sad life. 

I’m such a fucking girl. New years resolution… be more assertive. o_O i guess? hahaha

Being an ex-voice music major, I was invited to sing at this one church this morning…

I’m actually still rockin’ my church clothes :) 

But yeah… I was sitting in the pew just waiting for my time to perform and I realize how cute this guy next to me was. He was my friend’s older brother, but his eyes are amazing, his piano skills are on point, he sings, he doesn’t really go to church (like me), and graduated from college; but is unfortunately straight. We had the weirdest hand shake after church. Like it was weird. HAHA. I kind of wanted to hold on to his hand…. and just keep it there. BUT NO. BAHAHAH But looking at men and lusting in church?! I feel like a heathen. But I’m gay so basically I am one anyways. Gay = Heathen (in some minds). But yeah! 

thank you to Will for the flirt advice! :)

OH! and Happy Christmas Eve! :)

Wishful thinking is dangerous.

I’ve lived in the San Francisco Bay Area for 20 years…

and I still haven’t visited the Castro. I need to go soon. Well me and my best friends have a day planned out, and I’m super excited. :)

This Christmas break is going by too fast. I’m already getting worried about school. FML. back to that closed-minded monastery of a college. 

what i’ve realized is that i’m easy to please…

If I met a guy who was into me, I would most likely be into them in a heart beat no matter their facial features, body features, etc. But personality would be key in that situation. I think it’s just because I’ve never really had that sort of attention. 

I don’t know if that’s bad. But, that’s just me. 

Also, I feel I have a good taste in guys, but guys that I think are attractive, are not even remotely attractive to my friends. Just different tastes? But I like everything. It’s weird XD

day in san francisco with my sister and my best friend :)

fun. Gay moments galore. So many cute boys for eye candy. 

Me and my friend had a discussion about how to flirt because we basically can’t. Like, it is not part of my nature. It’s sad! I’m way too timid to flirt, and honestly what I have deduced about people who CAN FLIRT, is that they are super confident in themseleves. 

My friend and I, our confidence levels….are Kinda-ish low. It’s hard! HAHAH. But we went randomly to a Gelato place in Little Italy, and saw this cute boy serving gelato with a deep black v-neck, and hints of gayness sparkled all over his personality. He was so cute. Italian, tall, skinny, nice face, nice arms, cute personality, beautiful eyes.

As I ordered I couldn’t help but watch him. HAHAHA. I ordered, and I looked into his eyes… oh God. LOLOL. I looked down. I couldn’t look back up. It was so hard! I have no idea what to do in those situations. 

Honestly, I think in person I feel like I’m more manly, so I dunno if I hide the fact that I’m gay… just because I’m so used to hiding it from people. In High school people I’ve come out to tell me that it was hard to pin the GAY label on me just because the way I talked and the way I acted. My sister and my friends up at my college say that sometimes, it’s really hard for them to see my gayness. Should I make myself more obvious? Or just more obvious that I’m into him. But then again, I’m not that cute, so it’s hard to be … cute and be into that person. Like, HOW DO YOU give the person attention?! I just don’t understand. LOLOL. 

I’m vowing to go back to that same gelato place to find him again. LOL. And try again. But I need to learn the art of flirting! UGH. Why do I suck! I can be a nurse and put on a fake face for my patients, but I can’t flirt. BWAHHH.